Our 5th installment of Ten ways to love is to: Answer without arguing.
Proverbs 17:1 Better is a dry morsel, and quietness therewith, than an house full of sacrifices with strife. (KJV)
The Message puts it this way: 1 A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.
Argument (Photo credit: andrewmalone)
Anyone who has ever lived with an argumentative person knows exactly how true that statement is. Have you ever known someone who couldn’t just give a simple answer? They always have a “yeah, but…” or some other reply explaining why they are ‘special’ and your premise is wrong. I think all of us answer with an argument at times, but the person who consistently does this is not saying, “I love you.” They might be saying, “I’m better than you” or “I know better than you”, but not “I love you.” I find that many of those who make this a consistent habit have no clue what they do to others. In their mind, they really are special, know better, or simply want to make sense of the question.
English: Northern Mockingbird juveniles at a bird bath in Austin, Texas. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
How do you help someone who has no clue? I don’t know. That’s a rhetorical question 🙂 If you have the answer, let me know!
Since we already know we can’t help others, we can only look at ourselves. Do we answer with an argument or do we listen and answer without arguing? Human beings have this unique ability. It’s called justification. AND–it works best when pointed at our own behavior. I of course, never have an issue with this. . . . . ;] but just in case someone out there does. . . .
Anyway, back to the topic.
I have way too many people a person in my life who cannot simply answer a question without argument, and it drives me to distraction at times. I call her on it, but she comes back with more argument. This leads to more drama, which leads to anything but a feeling of ‘love’. Responses often contain “Yeah, but”, “Well, I”, “You don’t”, and “I didn’t mean to” to name a few. I have to admit I don’t always respond well to this. Frustration probably tops the list of emotions that pop up. How do you communicate with someone who doesn’t really hear you? Instead of hearing what’s said, the arguer hears something they must take exception to. I guess it’s a form of defensiveness. I don’t know. I just know neither party winds up feeling very good afterwards. Neither person feels very loved or listened to either.
A very simplistic example of this: 
Adult: “Go to bed.” Child: “But, I’m not tired!”
Adult: “Go to bed.” Child: “I can’t sleep if I’m not tired.”
Adult: “Go to bed.” Child: “Well, sissy doesn’t have to go to bed now.”
Adult: “Go to bed.” Child: “Can I have a drink.”
and so on. Can anyone say distraction technique?
The major theme in this scenario is: “I don’t have to do what you tell me because…..”
Pride. Is pride at the base of the argument. I think I could argue that it is (tongue in cheek). Pride and love, real love, do not go together. In fact, they are diametrically opposed, and offering argument instead of answers says, “I don’t have to” or “I know better” or, well, you get the point.
Now for the Vertical
Maybe you never argue instead of answering others. But how about God? Do you question Him when He asks you to do something? Do you have some reason why the commands (already given in the Bible) are for someone else and not you? After all, you’re not very good at that, or you don’t have time for that, or …. I don’t think we mean to argue with God, but too often, we do. We can show Him love by obeying Him without arguing.
Sometimes, whether vertical or horizontal, it takes a lot of hard knocks time and maturity to learn how to answer without arguing.
What do you think? Do you know someone like this, and if so, how do you deal with it? Have you changed this about yourself? Any tips for doing so? My posts are often quests, because I don’t know it all. I’m always interested in how others deal with various aspects of communication, so I hope you’ll share if you have something to say. 🙂
Related articles
- Ten Ways to love: Accusations (doyoumeanwhatiknow.wordpress.com)
- Ten Ways to Love: Listening (doyoumeanwhatiknow.wordpress.com)
- Ten Ways to Love: Generosity (doyoumeanwhatiknow.wordpress.com)
Jun 28, 2012 @ 19:05:29
Hi Angie, I think it depends what the issue is, Jesus did not just accept wrong attitudes and beliefs as we can see in the Scriptures and we are told also those who are foolish do not accept Godly instruction but prefer to justify their own understanding often by putting others down.
So how can we have assurance if we are sharing God’s Truth, by knowing we have His wisdom and not doubting it and sharing the confirmation of the Scriptures, and not as some do and claim what we say is True because they think it is, this shows their own ego or pride.
James 1:4-6 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
As you said Angie, some cause dissension and when a Man or Woman are disobedient to God this will happen and it is those who do not agree with and obey God’s Truth that cause problems not those who are faithful to stand up for His guidelines, yes they may be argued against or ignored and rejected by many but it is those who are in error who God will hold accountable. Itching ears will only accept what fits in with their own fleshy agenda which is not Gods and yes what they propagate will be popular because it appeals to the worldly flesh… sad but True.
Christian Love Anne
Jun 28, 2012 @ 19:44:00
Ok, you think what depends on what the issue is??? I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying. Answering without argument has nothing to do with what someone else believes or doesn’t believe, nor with accepting someone else’s beliefs as correct. Jesus always answered without argument. He would often turn their questions around on them and make them wish they’d never asked, but He never argued, not even when He had a legitimate right to do so. That’s what I am trying to say about this post. We can have a response without argument. We can disagree with someone without argument. It’s all about how we respond to others, not what they ask or how they respond. Did I make that clear as mud???
I think I understand what you’re saying in the context of standing up for His guidelines, but we can stand up without arguing too. We will more likely win them over by responding wisely and without argument.
I actually love how different people can read a post and come up with different responses and reactions. That’s part of the fun of having a blog on communication. 🙂 I hope you are doing well – keep standing up for Him! In Him Always, Angie
Jun 29, 2012 @ 14:13:03
Like I said – semantics 🙂 Can I watch you throw a fit???? I wonder if you could outdo my 2 yo granddaughter. I have to confess I have my moments 🙂 I know people will use anything they can to twist the scriptures, but arguing is a negative thing, so I still don’t believe Jesus ever argued. He debated, He stood up for righteousness, He turned their questions into a display of their own foolishness, but He had no need to argue. Arguing is what we do when we’re afraid we’re going to lose. Jesus knew He had already won.
I love reading about times when the pharisees tried to trip Jesus up. His responses are amazing and must have frustrated the pharisees to no end!!! He he. that’s the kind of responses I want to learn how to make. Anyway, this post is mostly about people – horizontal communication, but it’s amazing how the things we do to others we also do to God!!!!!
Our comments here are a good example for my post though 🙂 he he I think it’s fun!!! God bless you sister, Angie
Jun 28, 2012 @ 21:03:13
Hi again Angela, perhaps we should just get the whip out or call those who oppose us a brood of vipers. Jesus was not unfeeling or unemotional, He expressed righteous anger forcibly and rebuked when needed but not with fleshy anger or arguments which is what the Scriptures are referring to when it tells us not to argue. When Peter claimed what Jesus said was wrong Jesus put him right, He did not accept what he said, some would say that is arguing, as I said it all depends on the issue, is it Godly or fleshy.
Christian Love Anne
Jun 28, 2012 @ 21:58:17
I am answering you with an argument lol. Isn’t that nice of me???? The problem with our miscommunication here is symantics. Jesus never argued – (our symantic issue is in how we define arguing). He rebuked, He expressed Himself, He even remained silent at times, but He never argued. He didn’t need to – there was no need of defense. We too need to stand in defense of our God, rebuke at times, and even remain silent at times. All valid responses. Arguing is another matter – at least in my view of what arguing is. Fortunately, He gives us the power to make correct responses and not to respond with “the wrath of man”, thereby harming God’s image instead of reflecting it. I know my first response is often my wrath, but I sit on it and pray on it until God takes over (most of the time anyway 🙂
Thanks for keeping the conversation going. 🙂 In Him, Angie
Jun 28, 2012 @ 22:32:19
Hi Angie, I don’t argue about worldly understanding when sharing God’s Truth but I will stand up for it always but not with worldly reasoning, logic or with it’s fleshy outbursts and it’s display of wisdom that has been passed down from others but with the Scriptures for conformation . All the things you mentioned as Jesus not arguing is used to claim people are or their sulking , so it all comes back to what the issue is and what our focus is.
Christian Love Anne
P.S and if you don’t agree with me I will cry 😥 and if needed throw a tantrum.
Jun 29, 2012 @ 05:37:11
Yes, of course, I question God. A lot of the time. And still He loves me. He’s that kind of God. Thankfully.
Jun 29, 2012 @ 14:48:13
Yes He is/does!!!! He gave us free will, and understands we have questions. I was thinking more about arguing with Him, but even so – He still loves us, sin and all! {And no, Anne, I’m not saying He accepts our sin, but He does love us in spite of it.} Angie
Jun 29, 2012 @ 16:41:13
So True Angie, God is Love and Love, Loves and I also agree He does not accept our sin, Jesus said go and sin no more, if this was impossible He would not have said it.
1 John 3:9 No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God’s seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.
I don’t argue Angie especially with God, Isaiah 45 & Romans 9:20-22 but I do reason, Isaiah 1:17-19 and share His Truth Acts 9:28-29 praying others will also understand 2Timothy 2:20-22.& 2Timothy 3:16-17
God said for us not just to agree to disagree, 1Corinthians1 if we have differences we are to take them to Him and He will show us who is in error, so we don’t argue about man’s understanding but we do stand up for God’s Truth, my focus is…..God said it! I believe it! that settles it! 1 John 4:5-7
Christian Love from both of us – Anne.
Jun 29, 2012 @ 16:50:54
1John 4:1-21 ( 4-6 ) Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them. We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the Spirit of Truth, and the spirit of error.
Christian Love Anne.
Jul 07, 2012 @ 08:25:55
Jul 18, 2012 @ 22:42:21