“Sounds like a you problem.” –Tim Young
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I borrowed this phrase from my middle son. Did I mention I used to be an enabler? Hmmmm, well, I was. People just had to look like they needed something (especially in an emotional/psychological way) and Angie was right there. They didn’t even have to ask. I have since reformed after a major crash of a symbiotic relationship with a friend went horribly wrong. I learned something. People need to take responsibility for their own problems. That doesn’t mean I can’t help them. It means I choose when, where, and how I do so. I don’t put myself and others at risk to jump to the rescue when the person needs to learn how to rescue him/herself. Painfully, I realized that taking on other people’s problems wasn’t good for either of us. Quitting was difficult as well, especially for those used to having me say yes all the time. But, they got over it and so did I.
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Feel free to use the phrase, because it works very well at deflecting those who want to make their problem yours. My grandchildren hear this phrase a lot. One granddaughter likes to hang off me and say, “I’m bored!” I say, “Sounds like a you problem.” I may suggest some things she can do, but my point is to teach her how to entertain herself. “I’m not the entertainment committee.” works here too. It’s amazing how life changes when you allow other people to have their ‘you problem’ without making it a ‘me problem’.
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Have you ever taken on someone else’s problem either by helping them too much or by worrying about them? Do you try to get others to take on your problems? Do you get angry when they don’t? Do you recognize the dangers of enabling?
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Then, a week or so ago, I was in prayer mode. Thinking about someone else and praying for their issues, thinking about something they do that bothers me. Then, I hear this (inaudible) voice saying, “Sounds like a you problem.” Hmmmmmmmm. OK, God, I get it. The other person didn’t have a problem, I did. I wanted to make it that person’s problem because that would put all the ‘happy place’ back into my life. However, just because something bothers me does not make it a problem for others. I hate it when God uses my own words to smack me up side the head and make me take a hard look at myself. I’m so glad He does it though.
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Do you try to make your issues into other people’s problems? “I would never….” “If only they’d….” “They need to keep their child in check….” That’s not how you do it…..” Have these or other similar words ever crossed your mind or your lips? Can you recognize the difference between a YOU problem and a ME problem? How do you set boundaries between you and me problems? Do you allow yourself to be guilted into saying yes?
Aug 10, 2012 @ 02:07:08
Perhaps a child needs to amuse themselves but of course they may also be saying I need you, I want to talk to you, I’m lonely, I want to feel Loved. To me a you problem Angie is a me problem, why because God tells us loud and clear that it is ( see below ) If someone is hurting that is all the motivation I need, if they don’t want my help or advice as you said, I move on but I would never turn someone away if they asked for my help, I would never judge them as less a person then I am, if I think my needs are important then so are theirs just as important. Yes I’m also honest with people if they hurt me I don’t pretend I’m happy clappy but I choose to forgive and ask forgivness if needed.
We all need to have Love, acceptance, support, approval, to be needed and to be encouraged, even in our yuky times. How sad if God turned us away because He felt our need was not that important or we should handle it ourselves.
Yes modem secular Physiology would say I’m a rescuer, so thankful God rescued me and He did so by those who cared enough to listen to me, give Godly advice, pick me up when I fell down, warn me when I was in danger because of my sin, cried with me, when I was hurting, gave me hug and never in anyway pushed me away, my you problem became their problem until I could move on in victory , they didn’t create their own boundaries to push and keep me away and today 1 to 30 years later we are still friends in the Lord together.
I’m sorry Angie you were hurt by your friend, Satan would want you to push everytone else away too but that is not what God’s asks us to do.
Galatians 6:2 Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. (NKJ )
Romans 12:14-16 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
John 13:34-35, A new Commandment I give unto you, That ye Love one another; as I have Loved you, that ye also Love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my Disciples, if ye have Love one to another.
Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Gentleness, Goodness, Faith, Meekness, Temperance: against such there is no law.
1 Corinthians 13:4- 8 Love suffers long and is Kind; Love does not envy; Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the Truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
Christian Love from both of us – Anne
Aug 10, 2012 @ 11:36:40
Of course it means that sometimes. But sometimes it means entertain me. Those are the times when I say that. I spend tons of time with them, but sometimes I have other things I have to do and they need to entertain themselves for a while.
I get what you’re saying about the you problem being a me problem, but that’s not what I’m talking about. There are times when it is good to say no and let others deal with certain things. If someone where in trouble and I could help, I would. However, some manufacture trouble or seek to take advantage or need to learn how to deal with life, and in those cases. Their problem is not mine and doesn’t need to become mine. It’s really not a black and white issue, there are shades of gray all over it. If my daughter spends all her money and then wants me to buy her something she doesn’t really need, that is a her problem that doesn’t become a me problem. There is a big difference between helping and enabling, and I think we do people a disservice and get in God’s way when we jump when God is saying to let Him use this to work on them.
I’m sorry I don’t seem to make myself clear, but I am not talking about any of that. If God wants me to rescue I will certainly do so, but when we rescue too much, we cripple people. God rescued me, yes, but He also wants me to grow and learn, so He doesn’t rescue me from everything I go through. He always goes with me through it, but He doesn’t make it go away. I hope that makes more sense. In Him, Angie
Aug 10, 2012 @ 03:38:20
I put a different twist on those “you” problems. When someone shares a problem, I catch myself answering them according to what I need, not what the other person needs. Good grief. It’s not all about me is it. I’m even making THEIR problems about me. Another good reason to simply nod in the right places while I listen and keep my mouth shut.
Aug 10, 2012 @ 10:46:11
Shut up and listen – good advice. I know. I think we all do that! We’re so wound up in ourselves that we paint everything about us. It’s partly that filter problem, but it’s definitely a “ME” problem. Thanks for dropping in. 🙂 Angie
Aug 11, 2012 @ 16:00:42
At times, I really do!
One of my goals this year is to say ‘No’ more often!
Sep 05, 2012 @ 20:56:20
Sorry, your comment was hidden in my inbox. That’s a worthy goal, I hope you make progress with it. It’s a difficult thing to learn but makes a world of difference.