Home

Loving perfectly

8 Comments

 

People come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.”  — anonymous

You know, sometimes people can be difficult?  What?  That’s not a shock to you?  Well, how about this:  sometimes YOU can be difficult.  I bet that one was more of a surprise, but not really.  We all have human failings that cause difficulties in our communications with others and with God.  Sometimes, the struggle to deal with difficult people (or people who are difficult in a specific situation) can bring up a few difficulties in one’s self.  It often brings out the ick in us as we struggle with the issue.

Ick # 1:  Depression.

Depression, or the pity party, hits some of us when we face difficulties, and especially difficult people.  Some of you do not struggle with this, but some of you, like me, do.  I don’t like confrontation.  I use it when necessary, but I don’t like it.  This struggle often brings me to a mood dip.  My mood dip can be a shallow dip or a great big gorge, depending on the situation.  I have learned over the years that the depth of the dip depends on me and my attitude.  If I deal with it, the moment passes quickly.  If I dwell on it, I can find myself in over my head.

Ick # 2:  Anger

The Bible says to ‘be angry and sin not’ (Ephesians 4:26), implying that anger is not the main issue.  Anger is a feeling.  Feeding anger leads to sin.  Anger has to be dealt with quickly.  The definition of quickly depends on the person and the situation, but un-dealt-with anger is a raging fire that burns the angry person and anyone in his or her path.  In the case of sinful anger, the root is often pride.  How dare that person say that to me/do that to me/treat me that way!  I don’t deserve this!  We tend to magnify the other person’s offense and minimize our own actions (like how we often do the same to others).  The only solution is to recognize the truth about the situation and then forgive.

Ick # 3:  Pay Back

Have you ever wanted to do to someone what they did to you?  You think they should feel the pain you feel, often with the thought that they would then apologize profusely and not do it again.   This is revenge, and revenge is not sweet!  This tendency to want to hurt when we are hurt.  This tendency just perpetuates the cycle and does not open up the doors of communication; it slams them shut!

I’m sure there’s more ick, but we’ll settle on these three for now.  I have been dealing with all of these issues – internally – and figuring out how to deal with it in a healthy way.  My human nature’s instincts are not of God, and they cannot bring reconciliation and open communication to the situation(s).  It’s funny how we can walk around with this festering sore inside us, while the other people have no clue there’s even a problem.

Are you self-aware?  Have you ever had the ‘ick’ies? Have ow do you deal with difficult people?  How do you respond when you realize you are being difficult to others?

 

God loves  us perfectly, imperfections and all!  How far along are you on the journey to do likewise?   I have a ways to go, but understanding God’s view helps.

 

Ten Ways to love: Accusations

5 Comments

The second statement in our ‘Ten ways to love’ series is this:

Anger

Anger: an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. (Photo credit: baejaar)

2.  Speak without accusing.

The verse:  James 1:19:  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

I find this one very difficult because it’s so hard to keep accusation out at times.   Because it’s more difficult to see my own stuff, I’m afraid I will have to use what I see in others as examples here.  I am not casting the first stone, however, because I can accuse with the best of them at times.

The backhanded question

A certain person is quite good at speaking with accusation behind seemingly innocent words, usually in the form of questions.  “Why is the front door open?”  translates to “Why didn’t you shut the door, do you want to heat the whole world?”   Implied (and often spoken after the statement) is the hard work trying to earn money to pay the bills while everyone else wastes money like it grows on trees.  This is speaking with accusation.

I saw ‘evidence’ and, I know you’re guilty!

Sometimes, we speak with accusing when we haven’t received all the information needed.  This one seldom happens a LOT in relationships.  If you’ve ever caught some of the Maury Povich type shows, you see people coming on with accusation oozing out of their pores!  I saw a text on your phone, so you MUST be having an affair.  “I only slept with 5 people, but I know you’re the dad.  So why aren’t you stepping up to the plate to take care of YOUR child?”   “I saw you look at her, you don’t love me!”    And so on ad nauseam!!!  This way comes by jumping to conclusions and attacking rather than waiting for more information and strangling him in his sleep DISCUSSING it in an adult manner.

How could you?

Sometimes, in a similar vein to above, we assume another’s motives.  It’s entirely possible we’re wrong, but we think we can read minds, so….  Another person I know seems to be able to find a negative motive in most anything.  I probably attribute good motives more than I should, but I’d rather give a person a chance than to assume  wrongly.  People have different love languages (and other filters), and sometimes they mean well, even if the results are not what they intended.  For example, when my husband does something for me, like going to work every day or fixing a problem, he is saying, “I love you!”   Because I did not understand this for a few years, I attributed wrong motives and didn’t believe he loved me.  I was wrong and caused a lot of heartache to myself and him.   Sometimes we can just accept people, and their motives, at face value.

A Person (Man) exclaiming something

A Person (Man) exclaiming something (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Political Debates gone wrong

If you’ve ever watched a debate, and I use that term loosely.  How often do you hear accusations flying?  Uh, yeah, all the time!  Rather than defending one’s own take on the issues, deflection techniques muddy the waters.  Personally, I would rather hear what a candidate believes than the mistakes of his/her opponent.   A person that can stick with the issues and not get sucked into the vortex of distraction gets my respect.  This type of conversation (no matter who is doing the ‘debating’) should keep the focus on the person speaking and not the other person through accusation and idiocy.

The Children

We do this to children all the time.  They bring us a flower and we yell at them for picking it.  They want to hug us, but we accuse them of ‘bugging’ us or being to clingy.

The rest of the story

If you read the next verse in James, it says, ”

20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”

 

I memorized this scripture many years ago and use it often to remind me that my anger, accusations, judgments, etc. do not work God’s righteousness.  In fact, they often get in the way and turn others away from God.  In order to show love, it is necessary to tame that tongue and give thought to our words before we allow them out of our mouth.  No one is perfect, but sometimes that extra second of thought will save some heartache for all.

Have you ever jumped to conclusions and wrongly accused someone?   Have you rightly accused them, but to the relationship’s detriment due to the way you handled it?  Have you attributed negative motives to someone and accused them by word or deed?  Do you distract through accusation in a fight, debate, discussion, argument?  Have you brushed a child aside and spoken with accusation to them?  What are some other ways we speak with accusing?

Help, I’m out of control!

6 Comments

frustration.

frustration. (Photo credit: nicole.pierce.photography ♥)

Yesterday, I shared a poem about surrender.  It was really about seeking control instead of surrendering control.  Last week, I had an “aha” moment.  Those who know my dad has been in a rehab center till recently to recover with a busted hip, and has been home almost a month now, also know that he is a very, very, very stubborn man–always has been and probably always will be.  Because of the hip replacement and the fact that he’s been wobbly long before that, he has some safety rules he needs to follow if he doesn’t want to fall or have the hip pop out, requiring more surgery.

♥dad♥

I love my dad dearly, and maybe that’s part of the problem.  When he does stupid things, and he always does, I get so frustrated with him.  He is a ‘lone ranger’ who does not like to ask for help.  This gets him in a lot of trouble.  Mom was his best manager, but she’s gone, so it’s up to the sis and I.  It would take a lot more room to go into the lifelong frustration, so I’ll leave it at that.

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

♥dad♥

Last week he took a shower with no one there.  This is an obvious no no, but he took the opportunity while the sis and I were both gone (did I mention I don’t live there – I live 2 1/2 hrs away and have to go home occasionally to see my husband).  He did ok (uh oh, now he thinks he has super powers), but if anything had happened . . . .   The sis called to tell me what shenanegans he had been up to, and I lost it big time.  I was filled with rage and frustration.  I took it to God and spent a while in prayer (and tears).  This is what God told me:

I.    ►You are feeling out-of-control when your dad doesn’t ‘obey’.  You are allowing your fear of another incident cause you to stress out over something you have no control over.

II.   ►You are not in control of your Dad.  I am.

III. ►If he gets hurt again because of doing stupid stubborn things, it is not your fault.

♥dad♥

God then had me write a letter to my dad expressing my frustration and anger, letting go of the need to control the uncontrollable, that would never be sent.  This isn’t about my dad.  It’s all about me and how I react.

♥dad♥

Anger Management

Anger Management (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After my time dealing with this grief, I feel so free.  I let go of control.  I let go of guilt. I let go of the possibility of another horrific outcome.  I let go.  Unlike the woman in the poem, I did let go.  And, as I did, I began to rise to the top of the sea of emotions I almost drowned in.  I was transformed!

♥dad♥

It amazes me how often we try to control what is uncontrollable – not our job!  We will revisit this subject again soon, but for now I wanted to tell you about the experience.  I have also been able to help the sis let go.  We can only do what we can do, and that’s all we are responsible for.

♥dad♥

Yesterday, my dad was doing his usual things, and I felt the anger and frustration rising.  Then I remembered, took a deep breath, relaxed and let go.  AMAZING!  My dad will do what my dad will do.  He claims he can only surrender so much (to which I say hmmmm).  But I will no longer have to seek control or take responsibility for his actions.  Now I can let go and float above that sea.

♥dad♥

How about you?  Do you try to control people, things, events, that you really have no control over?  Do you stress yourself out over situations, even though you know you really have no say in?  Do you find yourself angry and frustrated at times, and if so, have you looked at the source to see if it is about control (lack-of-control) issues? 

♥dad♥

I hope if you do find these issues in yourself, you will learn to let go.  Writing a letter that will never be sent is a good way to burn out that rage and get your feelings out without damaging relationships.  I had to grieve the dad I wanted so I could accept the dad I have.

 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: